Is God disappointed in you?

I read a lot of books.

It makes me feel smart, I guess. I feel like I can talk intelligently in certain circles because I read a lot of books. I also like the feeling of being someone who knows something, even though that something is a lot of regurgitation of what others know.

I think my pursuit has been fruitful yet distracted. I’ve learned a lot about me, about God, about how people put those two together, but I’m coming to a place where I am finding that my quest has been misdirected.

I’ve been looking for answers to questions I’ve had in my brain. But those answers are not what I need to find.

My pride and ego want me to keep searching, keep reading, keep talking with others because it makes me feel good about myself. But I just don’t seem to be getting much traction in finding THE ANSWER.

That’s it. I’ve been looking for the answer, and I guess I don’t even know the question. I just know that I haven’t found what I’m looking for.

I have this blog. It’s a place where I regurgitate the information I’ve collected, lessons I’m learning, thoughts in my brain. Not many people come to read my blog. I wonder why I care so much that no one seems interested in my blog. It contains great information, but yet I care more about people acknowledging me than finding good information.

It sure seems, doesn’t it, that I care a lot about what others think of me. Yep, it’s true. That’s me, already wondering what you think about me.

Do you appreciate my honesty? Enjoy my conversational style of writing? Find me incredibly self-absorbed? Wonder if there is a point to all of these ramblings?

So I carry this psychosis into my relationship with God. I’m not sure what you believe about God or not, but I am one who believes in God. I wonder what he thinks of me.

In fact, I’ve lived a good part of my life trying to prove to God that I am worthy of his attention and even love. Yet, in that pursuit I’ve constantly felt inadequate and, pretty much, a failure.

I haven’t ever been able to make time consistently to spend with God.

I can’t believe the selfishness I see so often in me.

How can I possibly think some of the repulsive things I think?

Why do I do good – so others think more highly of me? That doesn’t count does it?

I read about Mother Teresa (that’s good, right?) and see no comparison between her faith and mine.

I spent some time with some people who believe in God last night. For most of the time, we just admitted to each other how we were failing God. “I could do this better.” “I don’t ever do this.” “I know there is so much more that I should be doing.”

I started thinking, “What kind of a God do I believe in?” Would he be one to point out all of my deficiencies, which I happen to be very adept at doing? Is that what he would spend his time talking about with me?

Yet each of us in that room, seemed convinced we were failing God and his perspective toward each of us would be disappointment. Is that how you feel? Do you think that is how God feels when he looks at you? Disappointed?