The Gift of Being Yourself - Benner

The following are excerpts from my readings over the sabbatical. They address the need we have to know ourselves. This may sound like a pursuit of self-absorption. Read on and see what you think. These excerpts come from David Benner’s book, The Gift of Being Yourself.

It is a profound irony to write a book promoting self-discovery to people who are seeking to follow a self-sacrificing Christ. It might well make you fear that I have forgotten – or worse, failed to take seriously – Jesus paradoxical teaching that it is in losing our self that we truly find it (Matthew 10:39). As you read on I think you will see that I have done neither.
(13)

The goal of the spiritual journey is the transformation of self. As we shall see, this requires both knowing our self and God.

. . . identity is a challenge only for humans. A tulip knows exactly what it is. It is never tempted by false ways of being. Nor does it face complicated decisions in the process of becoming. So it is with dogs, rocks, trees, stars, amoebas, electrons and all other things. All give glory to God by being exactly what they are. . . Humans, however, encounter a more challenging existence. We think. We consider options. We decide. We act. We doubt. Simple being is tremendously difficult to achieve and fully authentic being is extremely rare.

Our true self-in-Christ is the only self that will support authenticity. It and it alone provides an identity that is eternal.
(14-15)

We should never be tempted to think that growth in Christ-likeness reduces our uniqueness . . . Paradoxically, as we become more and more like Christ we become more uniquely our own true self.

Identity is never simply a creation. It is always a discovery. True identity is always a gift of God.
(16)

“There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God.”
John Calvin (20)

“A humble self-knowledge is a surer way to God than a search after deep learning.”
Thomas a Kempis (20)

Self-knowledge that is pursued apart from knowing our identity in relationship to God easily leads to self-inflation. . . Unless we spend as much time looking at God as we spend looking at our self, our knowing of our self will simply draw us further and further into an abyss of self-fixation.
(23)

Though we glibly talk about a personal relationship with God, many of us know God less well than we know our casual acquaintances. Too easily we have settled for knowing about God. Too easily our relationship with God is remarkably superficial. Is it any surprise, then, that we haven’t learned much about our self as a result of this encounter?
(31)

Many of the things we know about God we know objectively, accepting them as facts on the trusted testimony of Scriptures and the community of faith. These ground our more personal knowing, serving as an anchor in times of doubt and a frame of reference for making sense of our experience. This bedrock of beliefs will be elaborated by experience but never replaced by it. God’s intention is that we know Divine love by experiencing it. But even when our Divine Lover seems distant, we can hold confident to the hope of the steadfast nature of God’s love because of the testimony of Scriptures and the witness of others.

Transformational knowing of God comes from an intimate, personal knowing of Divine love. Because God is love, God can only be known through love. To know God is to love God, and to love God is to know God (I John 4:7-8). The Christian God is known only in devotion, not objective detachment.
(34-35)

What God longs for us to experience is intimate knowing that comes by means of an ongoing relationship.
(36)

What God wants is simply our presence, even if it feels like a waste of potentially productive time. That is what friends do together – they waste time with each other. Simply being together is enough without expecting to “get something” from the interaction. It should be no different with God.
(40)

Richard Rohr reminds us that “we cannot attain the presence of God. We’re already totally in the presence of God. What’s absent is awareness.” This is the core of the spiritual journey – learning to discern the presence of God, to see what really is.
(42)

Genuine self-knowledge begins by looking at God and noticing how God is looking at us.

Divine love is absolutely unconditional, unlimited, and unimaginably extravagant.

In order for our knowing of God’s love to be truly transformational, it must become the basis of our identity. Our identity is who we experience ourselves to be – the I each of us carries within. An identity grounded in God would mean that when we think of who we are, the first thing that would come to mind is our status as someone who is deeply loved by God.

Coming to know and trust God’s love is a lifelong process. Making this knowledge the foundation of our identity – or better, allowing our identity to be re-formed around this most basic fact of our existence – will also never happen instantly. Both lie at the core of the spiritual transformation that is the intended outcome of Christ-following.

Every time I dare to meet God in the vulnerability of my sin and shame, this knowing is strengthened. Every time I fall back into a self-improvement mode and try to bring God my best self, it is weakened. I only know Divine unconditional radical and reckless love for me when I dare to approach God just as I am. The more I have the courage to meet God in this place of weakness, the more I will know myself to be truly and deeply loved by God.

The God who is Divine love is known only in human community. Deep knowing of perfect love, just like deep knowing of ourselves, demands that we be in relationships of spiritual friendship. No one should ever expect to make the journey alone. And the knowing of self and God described in these pages depends on being accompanied by others on our journey into the heart of God.
(49-52)

Genuinely transformational knowing of self always involves encountering and embracing previously unwelcomed parts of self.
(52)

Self-acceptance and self-knowing are deeply interconnected. To truly know something about yourself, you must accept it. Even things about yourself that you most deeply want to change must first be accepted – even embraced. Self-transformation is always preceded by self-acceptance. And the self that you must accept is the self that you actually truly are – before you start self-improvement projects!

Until we are willing to accept the unpleasant truths of our existence, we rationalize or deny responsibility for our behavior.

If God loves and accepts you as a sinner, how can you do less? You can never be other than who you are until you are willing to embrace the reality of who you are. Only then can you truly become who you are most deeply called to be.
(56-57)

Crucifixion should be directed toward our sin nature. And we must first accept it as our nature, not simply human nature.
(58)

Prayer is meeting God in the darkness and solitude of that secret place. Nothing less than such an encounter with God in the depths of our soul will provide access to the deep knowing of both God and self that is our true home.

What makes this encounter possible is looking at God looking back at us.
(59-60)

Most of us are quite willing to embrace reality when it fits with how we see ourselves and the world, and when it is not overly unpleasant. However, when our life experiences confront us with things about ourselves that we are unwilling to accept, we call on psychological defense mechanisms to help maintain a sense of safety and stability. While these unconscious strategies help with short-term coping, they block long-term growth. This is because they distort reality. Ultimately, their function is to protect us from unpleasant truth.

The human capacity for self-deception is astounding. (Jeremiah 17:9)
(62)

To see God as God is – not as who we want God to be – requires that we see our self as we actually are. For the same cloud of illusions obscures our view of both God and ourselves.
(63)

Some Christians base their identity on being a sinner. I think they have it wrong – or only half right. You are not simply a sinner; you are a deeply loved sinner. And there is all the difference in the world between the two.
(64)