Nervous Water

It’s a fishing term. It is especially applicable to those who fish by sight, who look for fish in the water and then cast to them. This is not a common type of fishing up north. We fish blind. We throw a lure or bait in the water and hope a fish will come along and hop on our line.

I was taught (briefly) how to look for nervous water when I went bonefishing in the Florida Keys a long, long time ago. A friend of mine and I had saved our pennies because we wanted to go fishing with a guide in the Keys. When we arrived, our guide started to talk about nervous water – being able to see a fish under the water. Mind you, this is on the ocean so being able to pinpoint changes on the water’s surface when there is unending surface was no easy task. He taught us how to do this, because he said if we can’t see fish, we won’t catch them.

I’ve just encountered that same term, but with a whole different meaning. It actually has to do with relationships and church life. In essence, I learned that good leaders can spot nervous water in the lives of others and in the life of a congregation. But good leaders not only can spot nervous water, they know how to act and react when it comes.

Nervous water means anxiety. Anxiety is inevitable when there is more than one person in the room. And as we all well know, anxiety is inevitable in the life of a church. First, it is important to understand that anxiety is not bad, at least the anxiety I want to talk about. A good example of something that almost always causes nervous water (anxiety) is change. We just changed the bulletin here at CRC and that has led to nervous water. For some, it has been a difficult change and as a result their anxiety levels have increased substantially.

Once again, I come back to the fact that anxiety is not bad. It is not bad or wrong that someone feels anxious about the change we’ve made in the bulletin. If we start judging those who become anxious, then all of us are in trouble. Anxiety is often good and helps us to grow. It pushes us out of what is comfortable and exposes us to new experiences, ideas, etc.

But the challenge comes in how we handle our anxiety. When there is nervous water somewhere in my vicinity, it stirs my own water. Another way I’ve heard this described is ‘vibrating.’

Example 1
A person comes to church on Sunday and sits down in their pew and opens the new bulletin. They don’t like it. It is unfamiliar and they start to vibrate (feel anxious). This affects their spouse sitting next to them even if words aren’t spoken. After church, as they talk with people in the coffee hour, their anxiousness affects those they talk with – some of whom may already be experiencing their own anxiousness with the bulletin or something else going on in their head or heart.

Example 2
A group of women are sitting having coffee. One of the women starts to talk about her concerns with homeschooling. Another woman in the group, who happens to homeschool, begins to vibrate on the inside. One of her friends, who was also there, begins to vibrate, too. The whole group may not understand what is taking place within the group, but they can all feel it.

It’s easy to try and determine how others should handle their anxiety. We are good at giving advice or even judging how others should change. But the truth is the only person I can change is me. It’s easy to blame and judge those who don’t agree or who have their “issues,” but that does not help to deal with the real anxiety people are experiencing.

Remember, anxiety opens the door to growth. It can be a very helpful and important experience for relationships to grow, but it can also lead to anger, fractures, name-calling, judging, and a host of other completely unproductive responses. It is amazing how quickly a discussion about opinions becomes incredibly personal. We move from talking about what we think to feeling attacked or desiring to attack.

I am learning to recognize my own nervous water – anxiety. I am learning to see when it begins to well up inside of me. Too often, I just react, which never goes well. Now I am learning to step back, try and calm down, and seek to reflect upon what is behind all the emotion I am feeling. What is really going on? Because so often, the level of emotion I feel does not fit whatever has triggered it. I feel more than I should. Well, that means there is more under the surface that I need to consider.

One of the quotes that I keep coming back to regarding this discussion has to do with our propensity to avoid our part in the problem. Jim Herrington says in The Leader’s Journey, “Thinking that the problem is out there somewhere actually is the problem.” (50) When there is anxiety between two people, both are responsible. When there is anxiety within your family, all are responsible. Not all are equally responsible, but the only person you can really change is you.

I think of how many wives/husbands have attempted to change their spouse. They’ve criticized, manipulated, bargained, begged, etc. and have found none to work, because it won’t. But a husband or wife that is changing/growing/learning, etc., is a person who can truly help bring change within a broken system. They won’t change another person, but because they are changing, it inevitably changes the system/environment the spouse lives in.

If you want to see your family change, you need to change. If you want to see your marriage change, you need to change. How we are able to step back in the midst of anxiety and avoid simply reacting is a transformational way in which change happens.