I’ve always wrestled with how to be on Facebook. Should I share more? What should I share? Do people really care about what I’m
thinking, where I went for vacation or what my growing family looks like? Not sure, but today I’m feeling the need to
share.
I’m a dad of a 9 year old (John) and 2 year old (Anna), so
the recent events in Connecticut have affected me in ways that I am still
trying to understand. Understanding
feelings is no easy task, is it? I had a
conversation with John yesterday trying to help him know what to think (and
feel) about what has taken place. He
said he’s a little scared. Me, too. But fear is not the driving emotion for
me. It’s there. What’s driving me more than anything else,
and really what has led me to go public with my thoughts, is faith.
In these last few days, our faith was tested. I don’t know what you put your faith in, but
whatever you put your faith in, I bet it was tested. Can we trust our school systems to protect
our children? Can we trust our
government to defend us? Can we trust each other? Can we trust God? This final one was John’s question. “Daddy, I don’t understand how God can let
this thing happen to these kids.” Why
does God allow something so horrible like this to happen? How can he love us and let children be
brutally killed?
I feel the tension of these questions in the context of this
time of the year. It’s Christmas. The song says, “It’s the most wonderful time
of the year.” I don’t feel like this
today. For the folks in Newtown, it’s
hard to imagine how different this Christmas will be for them compared to what
they were expecting a week ago. My
Christmas is already different this year because of what happened in Newtown
last Friday.
My faith has been tested.
Faith is putting our trust in someone or something. My faith in the school system has been
impacted. My faith in humankind has been
altered. I feel less trust. I feel more concern. I took socks to John at school today and I
looked at the school differently as I drove in.
I felt different. I’m hopeful
that good conversations can result that help us consider how best we can care
for and protect the children of our communities. But that isn’t the ultimate answer. We should do this work, but there are no
guarantees. There is definitely a
conversation raging in the public square today about guns and gun control. I hope this conversation will lead to a
deeper understanding of the place of guns in our society today. But that isn’t the answer. I know there is a growing conversation
unfolding about the challenge and reality of mental illness. There is some important work to do here, to
come alongside families who are wrestling with this challenge, but this isn’t
the answer either. Please don’t get me
wrong, there is important work to be done in all of these areas and I’m sure
many others, but if that is where you ultimately put your faith, I think you
are going to be let down if you are not already. No matter what we do about schools, guns, and
mental illness, evil will still exist in our world and that will impact
children, your family and mine, hopefully never like we see in Connecticut, but
again, there are no guarantees.
It’s been a good year and a hard year for me. I’m growing.
Yes, for those of you who check out our pictures on Facebook, I am
growing in some ways I wish I wasn’t, but that is not the growth I’m talking
about. I am growing inside not just in girth. I’m growing in my ability to see myself more
clearly. I don’t love everything I’m
seeing, but as I recognize more clearly who I am, I see the opportunities for
me to change in the places I need to change.
I’m a better Dad today than I was a year ago. My relationship with Alisa is growing. Our friendship and intimacy are
deepening. I have a clearer picture of
why I am here in this world. I am more
authentic. I love more freely and less
selfishly. My priorities are moving in
the right direction. I’m valuing the
things that matter more than the things that don’t. I’m learning to ask for help. I’m learning to stop pretending and trying to
be someone who I think others want me to be, and instead am getting more and more
at peace in my own skin, in who I am and know I can become. I’m caring more deeply about people, and even
though that gets messy, I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’m less easily angered. I don’t judge as quickly or as fiercely as I
used to. I am learning to see the good
in others and encourage more. I’m
learning to live a life that is less and less about me. Still a long ways to go in all of these
areas, but I am growing, and I’ve come to embrace that I’m a work in progress
and extend myself more grace.
I’ve put my faith in Jesus Christ. Many of you know that. You expect pastors to say stuff like
this. Please give me a chance. I’m not writing to preach or to try and make
you feel guilty. I’m not here to get you
to church. I just want to share what
Jesus is doing in my life (emphasis on what JESUS is doing), and as I’ve
wrestled, cried, and tried to understand the events in the last few days, my
faith has come to the surface, and though I don’t understand and can’t make
sense of the senselessness of last Friday, I continue to put my faith in the
One who does understand, who was as present last Friday as he is today. I don’t know what God is doing or will do or
why he didn’t stop what happened, but I do know that regardless of my ability
to understand, of all the choices of who or what to ultimately put our faith
in, I choose him. I hope John and Anna
will too, and I feel a deepening responsibility to encourage them in this
direction not simply by my words but by my life. I hope they see my faith in Jesus as much as
they hear about it.
Some of you I know really well. Some of you I haven’t seen or talked to since
high school. (Go Otters!) I would just ask that as you ponder, feel,
and respond to what has happened and as you consider what Christmas means to
you, would you wonder with me about your faith?
I’ve spent a lot of my life putting my faith in myself – my smarts,
athletics, abilities, charisma, etc. I
see the short-term gains these have led to but also the long-term costs. I’ve used people, been puffed up in pride,
been selfish, and have experienced separation in relationships as a
result. The more I learn to trust Jesus,
the more I see my life becoming what I’d hoped for – the more I see my life
really serving and loving the people around me and offering to Alisa, John, and Anna what they really deserve. It is what Jesus promised when he was asked
why he came. He said he’s come to give
life – abundant (a growing marriage, connected with kids, loving neighbors,
serving those in need, joyful, peaceful, though not at all easy, purposeful)
life.
I really do love my life, and I’m convinced that this
abundant life I’m learning to live into is only found in Jesus
Christ. He is the only one who can
empower me to live this life.
There. I went public
on Facebook with something other than pictures of my kids or funny videos or
articles worth reading. I hope I’m not being weird or crossing some Facebook
etiquette line.
I hope you’ve felt no judgment. I feel none toward you. I write this because of all the things I
could share on Facebook, this is what I want to share.
Thank you for the investments that you have made in my
life. I’ve experienced a little more of
this life I’m talking about because of the connections I’ve had with many of
you.
I hope you experience the joy of Christmas, and I hope that
will include being open to the gift of Jesus Christ. I’m putting my faith in him.
